Bad Mom...Day 2.

Technically it's Day 3 but I didn't post yesterday so it's Day 2.

How is it possible to have a horrible and wonderful day all in the same 24 hour period? I guess that's being a Mom. Today started off rocky. We ALL overslept and so the kids were late to school. My husband blames me because he fell asleep on the coach and I was in the bedroom with the alarm clock that went off...twice. However I pointed out to him that Shelby woke up 5 times last night screaming crying and so when the alarm clock did go off someone who was in my body got up and turned it off without my knowing. He was not amused.

Once we got the day rolling my husband took Sydney to the dentist and I went to volunteer at school. I have been so busy working I hadn't been volunteering much and it made me feel like a slacker Mom. It was oddly refreshing to spend the day just volunteering, no major schedule, no deadlines, no drama.

 I have been so busy working full time these last 4 months I forgot how less stressful life could be. Ever since July of 10' my life has been on a high orange stress alert. Going through the treatment of my Mother's cancer was the hardest thing I have ever done. I took the marketing job to escape the pain of waking up every day and seeing her be sick. I needed something more to help me get out of bed in the morning. Try as I might, sometimes when someone you love completely is ill you can't help but wonder "what's the point to it all?"

Working (outside the home), just gave me an excuse to be absent from my life. I was absent from my kids and husband. I was absent from my Mom. I was absent from the struggles my sister(who is handicapped) has had. I was absent from my friends. I got up everyday and left...everything.

I loved working. I loved being challenged on that level. But I was maxing myself out. Why? Because it took away everything that was overwhelming. Colby having special needs, Avery having anxiety, Sydney withdrawing, Rusty having meltdowns, me being a bad Mother.

By withdrawing I was a bad Mother. I think every Mom always feels like a bad Mom no matter what. I know I'm always striving to give my kids better of me but to say it's easy would be a lie. By not being here and throwing myself into a job, a job I wasn't even making money at, that was being bad Mom.

So I resigned.

My whole life I have just wanted to be a good Mom. I knew I was never going to be a crafty Mom, or a baby reading flashcard Mom, but I could be an involved Mom and an around Mom. I still have lot's of things on my plate, especially since I'm still in school, but now I don't have something that takes me away from them everyday.

Right or wrong it's where I'm at.