Top Ten things to know before you have a large family...

You know there really aren't a lot of useful guides out there for large families. If you look on Amazon for books related to the topic there are maybe 5 and three of those are pretty religious. I personally did not have five kids because of any other reason than I'm bat sh** crazy! However I digress, I decided to take this opportunity to give my top ten helpful hints for those of you out there teetering on the edge of crazy town while pondering adding to your brood. Here goes...1.) You will ALWAYS being doing laundry. When I say always I'm not exaggerating. As soon as you have your final load done everyone in your cult, er I mean family, will take off everything they're wearing and you'll have 2 more loads instantly. You may actually consider starting your own nudist colony as I did. Then you'll remember how you look naked after birthing 5 LARGE children and you'll decide it's best to keep that kangaroo pouch hidden for only those who truly love you too much to shun their eyes in disgust...I mean you David. 2.) If you have boys and you've accomplished potty training you will probably spend the next 20 years sitting on a wet toilet seat, someone is always in that "phase". Plus when you're done raising all those kids you and your husband will be in your own phase and it'll most likely be him tinkling on the seat, I'm just saying. 3.) Someone is always mad at you. You didn't pack the right lunch, you didn't wash their favorite outfit, you showed up to school drunk, it's always something. 4.) You will wise up and learn to never take children to the grocery store. Have you ever seen that poor woman at the grocery store with multiple kids who looks lost and overwhelmed at the same time??? I have and I tell her that the store is open till midnight and it's better to shop with the crack heads then the sugar blobs. 5.) You will always be doing laundry! 6.) You will spend eternity at elementary schools. By the time my youngest graduates 5th grade my oldest, who is in 4th now, will be in college! College! Don't piss anyone off unless you know they're going to get fired. Otherwise you will eventually get that teacher and you will discover that teachers are like elephants and they never forget. 7.) Don't fly on a plane. The other travelers of the world have actually requested this one. For everyone involved just drive, even to Guam. 8.) When people are shocked by how many kids you have and ask all sorts of questions as in "Are you Mormon?", "Are you going to have more?", "Do you drink a lot?", start evolving the story, change it up a bit. I now say that yes I have 5 kids but with 5 different men in 5 different states. If they haven't fallen flat on their tushy in out right disgust they are probably jealous. 9.) Pretend to sleep as often as possible, maybe even while standing. Even though they still wake you they do speak softer and have some remorse about it. And 10.) Drink...heavily...jk...