Those were the days???

Long ago in a land now far, far away I was a size 4. Shocking as this may be it is very true. I wore skinny little jeans and got free food. Doors magically opened for me. I never waited long for my coffee and I never went without a polite comment. Those days are long...long...gone. I'm lucky if someone moves out of the way of an automatic door for me now. I even get the occasional yes ma'am from waiters. I'm still 29! I can't get ma'am ed!!! When I work out, which isn't that often right now or for the last nine years, I am shocked by the woman in the mirror. When did my once cute Chinese tattoo stretch large enough to cover china? It's all so depressing...I need a brownie to recover.

Now that I've been back to work the sheer amount of stress in my life has exhausted ten pounds off of me. Granted I have 40 more to go but apparently it's noticeable enough that other Mom's have politely commented. So here I am feeling a little groove of self esteem and I decide to go shopping. Sydney and I head out on our "girls shopping trip". I decide to be cautious and grab some larger sizes because as we all know it's better to have them loose then too tight. We step into the changing room and I try 2 shirts on, shirts usually always fit so it's a safe start. I'm feeling good, I'm trying on clothes with a zest and imaging my new rock hard body by the pool this summer. Then I try on a pair of jeans. As I slowly pull them up I tell myself it's the lotion on my legs making them snug. Once we reach my formerly J-lo now Rosie bottom we hit an empass. I quickly pull the jeans off, throw my regular clothes on and tell Syd we're leaving. She looks at me quite confused and says "Why don't you just get a bigger size?". I look down at my beautiful daughter who has yet to feel the sting of womanhood fatness and I explain "That is my top size Syd, Mommy doesn't go higher than that!"  We all have our top size. I will wear sweat pants and maternity shorts before I buy above my "top size".

Do I want to get back in shape? Yes. Do I want to enter my 30's overweight? No. Does the idea of waking up early and jumping on the treadmill sound pleasing? No. What if our society looked at woman who accomplished raising a family, working, giving back to their community, volunteering for schools and churches as sexy. I'd be the next Gisele if that's how sex appeal went. But alas no. To be honest as a Mom of 5 kids who is also married food is my friend. Food loves me. It appreciates when I clean a room or balance a budget. Just last week food loved my work proposal and couldn't stop talking about the new fundraisers I'm doing. I see the jaded edge of the food love triangle and I'm really trying to ignore when it calls my name while I type committee minutes. I'm going to try real hard to break up with my bestie and make the treadmill my new gal pal. I know we can't be friends with benefits so I'll say goodbye but I think we need "one more night" before I walk away forever...

Not that kind of Mom

People often ask me how I do it all. Well I don't. I don't do it all. I imagine years ago woman did "do it all", but I've got help. I don't have to make clothing, or milk a cow, or even kill an animal to get food on the table. I don't have to teach the chillins because otherwise we would stick to the basics i.e. multiplication, maybe some division, but definitely no geometry. When someone says how impressed they are that I do so much I think to myself "self, they just don't even know".

So for all of you out there who think I'm more than I am here are some of my truths. I am not a Mom who makes crafts, I honestly can't even sew. My volunteering as a kinder Mom is quite a challenge since I am horribly uncreative. My husband is the artist. He can sew and make things and be kinda of girly in that regard. But artsy fartsy is not me.

I am also horrible at laundry. Some of you may recall earlier discussions of this but honestly it's bad. Last night I actually went to bed and then discovered that our dog Zoe was in our room, asleep, buried under piles of laundry.

I yell. I'm just being honest. I try not to but I still do...I'm working on that one.

I really struggle to get out of bed before 7:30am. In fact, I barely do.

I never did Mommy and Me classes, or reading classes, or Mommy yoga, or whatever else they say you need to do with a 2 week old to bond and connect with them. It just wasn't my thing.

I don't take my kids to historical sites or museums all the time. I must say though that my oldest came in 2nd in his class geography bee so apparently my not knowing where Guam isn't holding back their learning in any way.

I've never really scheduled my kids. In this area I'm a little bit of a hippie. I let Shelby choose her own schedule and I must say she does a good job. 

Overall I've made many mistakes as a Mom and since my kids are still pretty young I know I'll make more mistakes because that's parenthood. One thing I have always done though is tell my kids I'm sorry. I may not make sugar free brownies or amazing scrap books but I do give hugs and kisses and admit when I'm wrong. I'm not the Mom I thought I would be but I'm pretty happy with where I'm at. My starter kid is pretty amazing so I must be doing something right :)

Top Ten things to know before you have a large family...

You know there really aren't a lot of useful guides out there for large families. If you look on Amazon for books related to the topic there are maybe 5 and three of those are pretty religious. I personally did not have five kids because of any other reason than I'm bat sh** crazy! However I digress, I decided to take this opportunity to give my top ten helpful hints for those of you out there teetering on the edge of crazy town while pondering adding to your brood. Here goes...1.) You will ALWAYS being doing laundry. When I say always I'm not exaggerating. As soon as you have your final load done everyone in your cult, er I mean family, will take off everything they're wearing and you'll have 2 more loads instantly. You may actually consider starting your own nudist colony as I did. Then you'll remember how you look naked after birthing 5 LARGE children and you'll decide it's best to keep that kangaroo pouch hidden for only those who truly love you too much to shun their eyes in disgust...I mean you David. 2.) If you have boys and you've accomplished potty training you will probably spend the next 20 years sitting on a wet toilet seat, someone is always in that "phase". Plus when you're done raising all those kids you and your husband will be in your own phase and it'll most likely be him tinkling on the seat, I'm just saying. 3.) Someone is always mad at you. You didn't pack the right lunch, you didn't wash their favorite outfit, you showed up to school drunk, it's always something. 4.) You will wise up and learn to never take children to the grocery store. Have you ever seen that poor woman at the grocery store with multiple kids who looks lost and overwhelmed at the same time??? I have and I tell her that the store is open till midnight and it's better to shop with the crack heads then the sugar blobs. 5.) You will always be doing laundry! 6.) You will spend eternity at elementary schools. By the time my youngest graduates 5th grade my oldest, who is in 4th now, will be in college! College! Don't piss anyone off unless you know they're going to get fired. Otherwise you will eventually get that teacher and you will discover that teachers are like elephants and they never forget. 7.) Don't fly on a plane. The other travelers of the world have actually requested this one. For everyone involved just drive, even to Guam. 8.) When people are shocked by how many kids you have and ask all sorts of questions as in "Are you Mormon?", "Are you going to have more?", "Do you drink a lot?", start evolving the story, change it up a bit. I now say that yes I have 5 kids but with 5 different men in 5 different states. If they haven't fallen flat on their tushy in out right disgust they are probably jealous. 9.) Pretend to sleep as often as possible, maybe even while standing. Even though they still wake you they do speak softer and have some remorse about it. And 10.) Drink...heavily...jk...

Resolutions...

We have now reached the time of year where we subscribe to the idea that if we write down everything we want to change about ourselves in the new year we will accomplish it. We all know this isn't generally true, if there's something you would like to change about yourself you would have most likely accomplished it already. That being said this is more of a fun tradition we (not necessarily me) enjoy repeating. Here are my New Years resolutions, in no particular order mind you...
1.) Stop watching trash TV shows, or at least stop acknowledging that I watch trash TV shows to be respected as an intellectual more :P
2.) Lose 10lbs, well maybe 20lbs, well probably 40lbs, well...
3.) Don't yell at the kids anymore...or teach them to stop provoking me to yell at them, whichever is easiest.
4.) Keep on top of all of my house cleaning, or hire a maid, either way I may have to sell the kids to keep this resolution.
5.) Buy more underwear. This may seem like TMI however my britches are holier than Jesus these days
6.) Don't gossip. Or at least if I am going to gossip make sure it's really good so I don't feel guilty. Jk
7.) Spend more time with my husband.
8.) Wait on having anymore kids for at least a year.
9.) Well 7 and 8 kind of cancel each other out so I'm going to have to nix one...sorry babe ;)
10.) Blog more. Really this is the only time when I semi use the right hemisphere of my brain, and I can't let that go to pot if I'm going to be an eccentric old lady who wears wholly britches and carries stuffed pets around as my friends.

So here's my list. Keep coming back to see how my adventures in underwear buying, house cleaning, working, and losing weight this year turn out...