They wouldn't call it work if it was easy

Today I had a very productive and downright exciting day. I had several meetings with clients and potential clients and met some new collaborators. I was on a cloud, floating home, ready to share everything I had experienced with my husband. I walked through the door with the glee of a kid hopped up on sugar plums and lollipops when my husband announced "Shelby took her first steps today". Almost immediately I felt a pain in my heart. I missed it. I've never missed first steps before. My cloud was gone, my glee reascended, and I stood there with a sadness over missing her milestone.

I think this was poignant for me on many levels. How many working Mom's have described missing their child's first steps. How many movies or Tv shows use this as fodder for their scripts. I think it's now even required in any script about a working Mom. She has these pivotal moments of angst to showcase the pull between being a working mom or a stay at home mom.

I had been a stay at home Mom for five years now and almost a month into going back to work I miss a milestone. It felt somewhat scripted, after I acknowledge I miss her milestone I run to the fridge and stuff my face till Ricky gets home and I cry to him about what a terrible Mother I am, too generic for my taste. 

I know I am a better Mom right now because I am passionate about what I am doing. I know I am fortunate enough to be able to be away from my kids only because I am doing something I generally care about. I also know that there are lot's of Mom's who don't have that privilege. I can't say I'll never be a SAHM again, but right now this fits me and my family.

I know that Shelby will take more steps...and I will see them. For now even though I was sad to miss this milestone I'm happy to be making my own.

I hope there's dancing in heaven...

Today I found out that Sydney's first ballet teacher had passed away. This is devastating to Syd and me. Sydney started ballet at three and has taken classes ever since. She takes dance classes everyday, she's performed in five recitals and one proffesional show, none of which would have been possible without her very first teacher...Miss Erica. Erica was the very first person to introduce Sydney to dance and Sydney loves to dance.

Erica was always very slender and then over the last couple years she always had an oxygen tank with her. She had stopped teaching the younger girls becuase she was too weak to demonstrate the choreography, however she still taught the competition team and Sydney always wanted Erica to teach her again. We would see Erica once a week because she taught the class after Sydney's. One day I asked her why she was on oxygen and she explained how she had survived cancer but the radiation had damaged her lungs and now she was awaiting a transplant. Earlier this month she entered the hospital and we kept asking about her. Even while she was in the hospital her dance students were a priority and she was still emailing competition information for them.

She passed away before Christmas. She was still very young and had so much more to share with this world. It is very heartbreaking.

I told Sydney because I didn't want her to find out from anyone else. Telling her the news was almost unbearable. Sydney has been dealing with so much these last six months I just didn't want to have to tell her one more sad thing. When I told her she just looked at me with her Syd wisdom and said she was sad and that she would miss Erica.

At the end of the day God received an amazing angel who loves to dance and will be missed dearly here. I know in my home Miss Erica will be remembered fondly. As for Sydney she will always be grateful to the first teacher who took a scared little three year old and helped her to become a confidant and talented dancer and who truly showed her the power of loving what you do.

Thank You Miss Erica, Rest in Peace

I don't think the Duggars sleep

I have a hunch...The Duggar parents, you know the ones with the 19 kids who are all home schooled and who live in a giant house that is always clean??? I believe that either these parents secretly have live in nannies OR they never sleep!

I have no idea to otherwise explain how they raise that many children, home school them, clean their house, tape a reality show, and then decide they have enough energy to have more "sexy time" to make more babies!!! Unless they have a serious case of sleep sex disorder I don't see how they do it, literally!

I'm so exhausted at the end of the day I can't even muster the energy to get out of the bed to go pee in the night. I'm seriously contemplating adult diapers to ensure I get more rest. I figure adult diapers will help me with many scenarios. First, I will not have to get out of bed in the middle of the night, second they will send a clear message to my husband that when it's "adult diaper night" it's definitely not "sexy time night", this will all lead to ensuring I don't end up with 19 kids which is basically a win-win in my book.


At the end of the day I tip my hat to the Duggars and their unexplainable energy but it's surely not for me and my non energized, diaper wearing, sleep deprived self.

Traditions come and go...

This time of year the word tradition is brought up constantly. Everything around the holidays is a tradition. Some traditions are sentimental, some a not. Some traditions represent culture or family, some have no real memorable history. However most everyone has a tradition this time of year.

My family has many traditions. Some are pretty significant, while others are more ingrained habits. One tradition that I have experienced my whole life is now gone...completely. This is sad, but also not. I have always spent Christmas eve with my brothers. When my Mom and Dad were together my one brother(who has a different Mom) would spend Christmas eve with us while my other brother(again different Mom) would join us. When my parents divorced I continued to spend this night with my father and my brothers. Over the many years of celebrating Christmas different people would come and join us but the core group was always there.

A couple years ago my oldest brother stopped attending. I miss him but understand that where he is in his life prevents him from being apart of mine. This year my other brother is not attending. This is harder for me. For starters I wont see my niece and nephews, who I, and my children, ADORE. Then there's the reason why they're not attending...me???? I honestly can't say. I can say that this hurts, and it hurts my kids, and it hurts my sister, and it hurts my Mom. Of all the traditions I have had in my life I would of never expected to not have this tradition. But...I also never expected to not have my brother anymore either.

This year, because certain people are no longer in our lives, we have to start new traditions. New traditons can be good. Sometimes traditions run their course and maybe that's what our tradition has done. I hope to figure this all out by Friday but I think I've realized the real truth in my life is wherever my kids and husband are is where my tradition begins.

A hundred years from now it will not matter who was angry with who or who was right. It will not matter what presents we receive, or how much money we spent. If we start a tradition that is about celebrating our family, and our love for our family. If we come together and begin this tradition and it continues onto my grandchildren and great grandchildren than that is what counts...at least to me. 

Everyone needs a Nana...

It has come to the time in my work experience where I must find someone to watch Shelby sometimes. David and I have been balancing this schedule semi well however we are now reaching overlapping. This is the one thing about being a working Mom I have been dreading. I don't want someone else to be there for her.

I know from personal experience that having someone else take care of your child can be perfectly wonderful. My Mom was a single working parent and she had to have someone watch my sister and I full time. She chose my Nana. Nana wasn't related by blood but over time she was our family. I still remember the story of how my Mom and Nana met. My Mom was mowing her lawn, 7 months pregnant mind you, when this grandmother type woman from across the street came over and told her that when her baby was born she was going to watch her. And she did.

I loved Nana like a grandmother. I miss her terribly. I can still remember how she smelled and how she gave great big bear hugs that made you feel like you were apart of her. She raised me with my Mom. I spent many years at her house, I would even spend the night for fun. She always left the radio on when she slept and she had the softest pillows. Nana and Tatta were family to me. Nana loved pigeons and gardening. She loved pepsi and court tv. We made tamales and she would heat up flour tortillas for me on her stove. She was always there for me when I was sick, or sad, and she always made me feel special. I even remember that when I would do something I shouldn't of I would go and tell her first and she would convince me to tell my Mom. She is as much a part of my childhood as my own Mom. In fact, every memory with her is a happy memory, except her passing. If she was still with us today she would be first pick in caring for my children.

However...
 
If you know of any Nana's out there who love children, pepsi, homemade tamales, odd birds, music on while sleeping and making children feel like they are the most important people in the world please give me a call!

Soybeans are not conversation pieces...

I have to be perfectly honest with you. My number one "obstacle" in my life(professional/personal) is my genuine disdain for most people. I know that comes across as completely awful, however in my defense lot's of people are annoying. It's not my fault if I acknowledge that.

In my volunteer life I have manuevered through quite smoothly. I am the consumate "switzerland". I am able to avoid most unpleasant conundrums and stay above petty drama. In fact I like most people I volunteer with, shockingly.

In my new work life I do not feel the same. I had to have a meeting with a man today that not only is obviously very self concious of his turkey gobbler neck that he feels the need to contantly grope it but he talks incessantly about nothing. I am not good at long conversations about sweatshirts or where people vacation. At one point in our small talk hole of darkness I found myself relating that soybeans are patented and how that has influenced their genetic makeup. As the story was leaving my mouth I found myself shouting from within "What are you talking about? Shove more food into your mouth to prevent stupid from leaving it!".

I guess my next step in my "working gal" life is to become even better at pretending to not want to slowly suffocate my vendor. On a simlar note I do not think I should describe myself as a "working gal" it feels much more Michelle Pfieffer in the Fabulous Baker Brothers than Melanie Griffiths in Working girl. I'm just saying...

The Guilt begins...

I had my first real "working mother's guilt" this evening. While I was putting Avery to bed he broke down in tears. I assumed he was just over tired because when he is tired or sick he cries...a lot. However he was upset because in his life of constant change the change of my now working was bringing him down.

In the last six months his Grandma has been battling cancer, his Aunt has been struggling emotionally, his Grandfather has been sick, and now his normal routine is changing...again. To be honest it's my working is not that much of a change but to a 9 year old it's monumental.

In that moment of his tearing up I felt a pain in my chest and a lump in my throat and I wondered if I was doing the right thing. I know rationally I am because it's good for me and it is good for my family. But for a moment I wanted to stop it all just so he wouldn't have one more upsetting circumstance, one more change. I guess that's how a lot of working mom's feel and I feel grateful to experience that moment.

Because I'm not quitting my job and I am going to work tomorrow I figured bribery was the next best thing. So tomorrow when I'm done working Avery is getting a trip to the ol' candy store and a good ten extra minutes just the two of us. If that doesn't work then I'm bringing out the big guns and a wii game may follow...

Death by video game...

I'm blurry eyed and should be sleeping, however I'm writing on my blog. I really need to start crossing things off my to do list tomorrow or I will have to hide from everyone very soon. I think every time I cross something off two more things get added. I've tried delegating some things to my husband but that doesn't really work. I don't think it counts as doing something if I'm yelling at you, handing you the phone, and watching you dial the doctors number to schedule our almost 10 month old daughters 9 month check up! I'm just saying...

Speaking of annoying husbands, mine almost died last night. It was very scary. I was making dinner. Shelby was crawling below me crying. Syd was at ballet. The boys were running wild and my husband was playing video games. All of a sudden without any notice I walked back into the bedroom and started choking him. Well...not really, but in my mind while I stood in the door way and thought "Jake Gyllenhaul would never treat me this way", I did plan a small memorial for him. 

Seriously why does a man need a good woman to figure out woman! Can't he see that I'm tired and maybe video games is not a great freaking decision! Ever! I'm one of those wives who A.) Yells and B.) "Accidently" kicks him in his sleep. I'm just saying if the man is going to sit on his arss while I'm making dinner he deserves a late night karate chop to the back...

Just say no...

I'm trying to get this "working" mom thing down. My number one problem is my inability to say no. Now don't get me wrong I can say no to my kids and my husband all day(or night) long. I struggle saying no to others. Today instead of cleaning my house, like I should have been doing, I volunteered to help usher small children onto boats to go out to Christmas island and visit Santa. Now I'll be honest I did get a major perk out of this that I feel made it all worth while. My kids, all five mind you, got to swoop in past the looooong line and get on the boat first, take their adorable picture with Mr. Claus, and then go home. No long lines, no tantrums, no kids falling in the water, they were in and out and then done. We have never even been to this event before because I don't like long lines where children grow restless and cranky. It was a great experience for all of them and all I had to do was volunteer for 3 hours. Not bad I think.

I can't do this as much anymore as I think I can. I not only work, I go to school, I am the treasurer of the school PTA, I am the chairperson of the activities committee in our community, and I am on the swim team committee, as well as many school commitees, oh and did I tell you I have 5 kids??? I live in controlled chaos, day in and day out! I am also not good at cutting back. The kids all have their own schedules too. Sydney is in dance 6 days a week, plus girls scouts and vollyball. Avery is always in at least 2 sports and cub scouts. Colby has just started playing sports and we have Rusty tag along, because it's easier. 

I know you think I'm crazy or are wondering how I do it but I have to say staying busy makes things run smoother in my house. When I have down time we all just veg out together, which is nice, but not everyday. Maybe I don't always get housework done. Maybe we often need laundry put away, or washed. But I can always dream about a house cleaner who loves to do laundry right??? I just need to make sure I don't add anything else before that housecleaner dream comes true...

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go...

So I'm back to work. Today was day 3. First we were going to give this a "trial" run. My Boss and I. But by Wed afternoon I think we both felt this was a good fit and we jumped head first into it. I think the only reason I wanted to get into something right now was because she's amazing. "She", as I like to call her, is Michaela Raner the founder and owner of Mack & Jack's marketing solutions, for which I am now employed. The business is all about marketing, printing, branding. Basically you name it, we can do it. In the past 3 days we've met with several different clients and discussed things from logo design, building a website, social media, printing for apparel, and school fundraisers.  My job is...exciting. I get to meet vendors and clients. I get to have conversations with adults that don't have anything to do with breast feeding or toilet training. I get to put on nice clothes and makeup and have a reason to do so. I also get the flexibility I need because my boss has 3 kids herself. I still get to drop my kids off and pick them up from school. I get to schedule appointments around their concerts or girl scout meetings and I still get to volunteer. I have the best of both worlds. I guess I'm officially a Marketing Mama.